protection of vulnerability (2022) I went in search of the fragility of fear and panic within safe places. The work was created during my clinical crisis admission and at home.
Recently a general oppressive feeling overcame me terribly, the tensions in my head were too high that there was even a physical expression. I was confused with date, time, reality and thoughts. Because of this I was admitted to a clinic for 2 weeks. Here I started photographing my surroundings and time there as a diary.
Once home, the research in this journal continued and I portrayed myself at home, recording the situation here to see what time did to me. I was looking for peace and softness in the moments when I had to wait for treatment
Photographing in places where I feel (or should feel) safe and at home, on the other hand, photographing my personal discomforts such as fear and panic has been the key to this project for me. Because you can also be overwhelmed by intense feelings at home and in a diary you are honest with yourself about how you feel.
All the energy I had is in this project. Due to the fatigue and conversion complaints (which often cause me to tremble, or even walk poorly), each image cost me a lot. Because of this, I thought it was important to let this fragility come back in the wearer. I wanted to enhance the images by working with different types of paper. Each image had its own charge and could therefore not all be printed on 1 type of paper.
The different structures in the paper ensure that the fibers of the paper are clearly visible, these 'imperfections' ensure that the prints are unique and personal. Not only in effect, but also in meaning. The making process has partly taken place in the clinic and at home. Everything is home printed, hand cut and finished.
The edition box serves as an extra protection for the vulnerable prints, 4 'walls' in which the prints will also spend time.
The idea of the edition is that it is shared in society and can circulate in it. More boxes can be released in small editions. People are allowed and able to touch and feel the work, that is what makes this work so special. A normal reaction to photo prints, for many people, is to want to touch it but don't dare. That line is now fading. Because this work is returned to people's homes, it becomes a complete circle.
Edition no 1
Rachel Goeman in conversation with Pascalle Blokker
Date: 21-01-2022
Title of work: protection of vulnerability
Pascalle Blokker (PB): How do you start making work and do you already think about the viewer? Or is it more something you do for yourself?
Rachel Goeman (RG): I think that every image in this series arose from a feeling, especially about sadness, distress and a longing for peace. The work was made in two different places. The site of my clinical crisis admission and home. And I think during the shoot I shot during moments of discomfort and tried to capture what it was like there. For example, the image of the bathroom: I didn't think of taking a nice shower. And I photographed the frog when I was taking a walk. It's not that I feel like a dead frog here, but I am without feeling somewhere. You are suddenly somewhere new. And the still life on the floor, with the pants and the socks: I saw it lying and shot it in the moment without premeditation. And when I was feeling sad at home or a little lonelier, I had to capture this moment. At home I was more aware of the viewer. During my recording I was not involved at all, there I photographed for myself. Only at home did I think 'Oh yes, I might be able to do something with that'.
PB: When I look at your images now, it's like, because you're really lying like that, you feel like you're in some kind of cataract—that kind of feeling where the environment is very important.
RG: Yes, these are actually the only two places I've been in the past period. I wanted to capture the stuffy feeling I sometimes felt. Precisely because there are many images taking place inside, I wanted to keep it small. It doesn't necessarily matter which places they are, but you can see that more time has been spent than just a day.
PB: But I can imagine that it matters which places they are?
RG: Yes, but not with official name, address and so on. For me it is more the place of the clinical admission and home.
PB: That certainly seems important to me.
RG: Yes, it certainly is.
PB: I hadn't actually realized the clinic at all, maybe from the bathroom image, but otherwise I felt like everything was made at home somewhere for some reason. And how did you manage to do your research? Because it's more of a feeling? How is research central to what you do? What are you trying to research and how?
RG: I think that's a good question, I think this research builds on my previous project and the feeling of home1. There I looked for both safe and unsafe places in different ways, but now I started researching at times when there wasn't much to hold on to. By only photographing the two places where I had to be at home and safe, I investigated that. I've only portrayed myself at times when I didn't know what to do with it, times when I saw the world around me more negatively than positively. In this I continued with the research, because in my previous project I also portrayed myself in pleasant and quiet moments and that is something I have not done now.
It's actually a diary. I have not consciously thought; 'in the end I want to have so many pictures', or 'this is exactly what it should be about and then I'm going to do this with it'. The images you see are portraits and moments when I had some energy to shoot. The image with sunlight on my leg, that was a moment when I could breathe a little more, as if I was getting more air.
PB: No, and of course it says a lot that you only felt good enough at that moment to take a picture. Knowing that makes the images very different.
RG: That's why some images are out of focus, because I had energy but not the strength in my hands to hold the camera firmly and I also didn't want to do anything with a tripod because I'm too busy with 'the image'
and now I was busy with my feeling. After that, I often put my camera away and it was often a week or more before I saw the image, so that I almost forgot which image I had taken.
PB: You can actually see that you were recording a diary. When you say it like that, it all suddenly takes on a different meaning.
RG: Yes, I believe so.
PB: Also for me now, but certainly for someone who is completely unfamiliar with your work. And what does it mean that it is printed on the paper you have chosen? Because that is of course also very vulnerable.
RG: I actually came up with the natural paper because it was so fragile, I also knew I didn't want a standard bearer. I didn't want white paper, because it would destroy the images. When it is printed on normal paper, my work also takes on a different meaning. So I was looking for something more fragile. I chose 4 different types of paper, where I found it important that each paper was complementary to the image. For images with a lot of materiality I opted for a somewhat fibrous paper and so on. There are also a few images in which flowers are incorporated, this provides the romantic that I often look for in my work, but precisely because the finish of the paper is never completely straight or perfect, it also makes it very vulnerable. Nothing is cut straight and everything is printed at home.
PB: Oh really, okay.
RG: Yes, so that also fits within the entire work. Everything is made physical within these 4 walls. I am now also working on making a box myself, in which the images will be placed, as a mini house for the prints. There is a lot of protection in the images themselves, a lot of clothing, a lot of soft materials and I also wanted you to be able to feel it with the paper. So that you could feel the structure of the skin or that you could feel the woolly socks, that was important to me. That you want to touch it, but you may not dare to touch it. Not daring to touch is for me also in the subject and in the theme because for me it is symbolic for feelings such as sadness and fear in my case. Many people often keep their hands off this because it is fragile and fragile. Raising this issue and making it literally tangible is exactly what I do with my work.
PB: Yes, it's a statement you bring, but it's not necessarily in your face because it still comes across as soft. The longer you look at it, the more it reveals itself.
RG: Nice of you to say that. I also think that there is a certain uneasiness in it because it is very personal, normally you keep this away from other people.
They are quite few images in themselves and the order of images does not matter what makes it intimate, but you can read it as a story. In this story, the viewer could recognize himself or someone else.
PB: I think it's so beautiful with that frog, it really looks like it's almost drowning in the leaves.
RG: In addition, everything is cut by hand and because of the conversion I can't really get that straight either, so many edges are crooked and paper fibers are sticking out. At first I found that difficult because I thought the perfection was lost. Some images are also moved and therefore not perfect in that respect, but when I see it all together now it should never have been perfectly cut, because that would have been strange. I think that's more of the research you just asked me about. That is more in the execution than in the images themselves.
PB: Yes, because in the end you are much more concerned with making the images physical than the shooting itself.
RG: Indeed.
PB: It also becomes a place to return to.
RG: Yes, exactly.
PB: Do you feel different while making this project compared to your previous work?
RG: I think so, because last year I was really looking for a certain perfection. I haven't had that now. No, last year I was really still working on that, I looked more at the right light, the sharper photo. Then I looked for the images to see how beautiful they were. I've now left that for what it was because I didn't think it was important now.
PB: So the moment you see is more of an act of making?
RG: That's right, I always had a camera close by, one in the living room and one in the bedroom so I could always reach it quickly. With the energy I had I made the image and that was all I had done in a few days.
PB: I think it would be nice for you to have this now too.
RG: Yeah, pretty much actually.
PB: And the spectator? Will this be an opening to talk about it?
RG: I think because it's an intimate and personal series, people can more easily identify with a situation like this. During and after my crisis admission I often felt a bit helpless, waiting for a new treatment is very tiring and scary. I hope that the viewer can think more about how fear, sadness and panic can also take place in a safe place like home and what could be behind it.
PB: So it's nice that you just said you want people to touch it, but you don't.
RG: Yes, I think that's what it's about. The tension of touching or leaving it for what it is.
PB: I also like that you see you, while at the same time you seem to be looking and not looking into the camera. And with the image with your curtain it is very nice that we can really watch with you, as if you were there yourself for a while.
RG: Yeah, that's my view almost every day now too. At first I thought 'I shouldn't have cleaned up the desk first', but then I thought 'no, because this is really how it is now'.